Conan the Barbarian: Really "Conan the Scorpion King of Persia among 300 with the Mummy""

After viewing Colombiana, a much better film, I decided to try Conan: The Barbarian.


I thought, "Hey, the original was silly in a good way, maybe this remake will also be silly in a good way. Maybe it wont be silly."

That was a HUGE misconception. This film is what I like to call "Hollywood Cheese". This was made to try and look as epic as possible for a trailer, and then added a title to a cult classic to get attention.

THIS is what we were promised... Oh the Glory...

Now I kinda get the whole "re-imagining of the mythology" excuse, but that doesn't fly with me. If you're going to make a Conan movie without it being related to the other Conan movies, then DONT CALL THE MOVIE CONAN. DONT NAME THE MAIN CHARACTER CONAN.

THAT MAN IS NOT ME!!!!!

I'll admit, the way Conan is born is kind of bad ass, but then they kind of up the ante by making 12 year old Conan kill about 4 demon-like geronimos. That's.... kinda much. I mean, the origin was OKAY..... but then the whole movie started taking itself too seriously with its testosterone filled manliness.

Yes, I have muscles, and I scowl... there for me am MAN.

And I'm not kidding about the "testosterone filled manliness." I mean the formula is pretty basic: He gets a mean look on his face, he does something bad-ass for a short period, says something that tries to sound like "clever" badass, rinse and repeat.

It LITERALLY tried to re-invent itself as the new Conan, and failed.

THEY ONLY MENTION CROM ONCE! ONCE!!!! It wasnt even in saying something awesome, it was just Ron Perlman saying "By Crom boy, what are you waiting for?"

By Crom, not even Ron Perlman's awesome-ness couldn't save this move.

... Thats it. That's as much call back to the original as it gets. As the REAL Conan would say, "To hell with you." No mention of snakes, no creepy cult, no discussion of "what is best in life".

The villains failed to be as awesome as Thulsa Doom. Whoever that actor was, he needs to work on being... memorable. Not type casted...

First the blue cat people, then, THE WORLD

The summary of the villain in the whole movie can be put in his own quote in the film: "I don't like you anymore!"

As for the villain's daughter.. well.. i guess having an evil sorceress made sense... but still.. cheesy..

Don't be fooled, this isn't Christina Ricci being Wednesday Adams... although might as well be...

And the whole weird vibe of... ugh... the sorceress daughter wanting to "be the wife" the the conqueror father kinda... creeped me out.. But I guess incest isnt frowned upon in this universe of Conan.

"Dont worry, people do that in this time"

Look, the reason why the original Conan was good was because it played out as a kind of play, without taking itself too seriously. The cinematography was good, and sure the effects was a bit cheesy and obviously fake, but thats what made it fun! That's what made it as memorable as movies like the first Never Ending Story, Labyrinth, even The freaking Muppets Take Manhattan.

This new "Conan" was just another of a long line of over produced action movies hoping to be the next thing remembered for decades. And... its not.

Hell, I dont even remember the name of the love interest. Only that she's... a pure-blood or something... which made me wish I was re-watching Harry Potter. She was just a pretty love interest with an English accent who liked to charmingly argue and or flirt with the hero.

You, sir, are an arrogant brutish ape... and yet...

Wait... I have seen this character before... The pure spirited love interest... a charm coming from a high class "strong woman" attitude... an accent that has nothing to relate to the setting or time period..

In Conan her name was Tamara now that I googled......

Tamara.... 

TAMINA! YOUR KIDDING! THEY RIPPED OFF THE PRINCESS FROM PRINCE OF PERSIA!

Yes, we've seen this before....

Ugh... They ripped of Prince of Persia, Scorpion King, the freaking sand monsters were from The Mummy, the fights were from some gladiator movie... 

See, you KNOW its hollywood cheese when the writing and movie elements were OBVIOUSLY taken from other movies of the same genre. If it was subtle, its forgivable, but, in ever aspect of my closing statement, this movie lacks any subtlety.