Conan the Barbarian: Really "Conan the Scorpion King of Persia among 300 with the Mummy""

After viewing Colombiana, a much better film, I decided to try Conan: The Barbarian.


I thought, "Hey, the original was silly in a good way, maybe this remake will also be silly in a good way. Maybe it wont be silly."

That was a HUGE misconception. This film is what I like to call "Hollywood Cheese". This was made to try and look as epic as possible for a trailer, and then added a title to a cult classic to get attention.

THIS is what we were promised... Oh the Glory...

Now I kinda get the whole "re-imagining of the mythology" excuse, but that doesn't fly with me. If you're going to make a Conan movie without it being related to the other Conan movies, then DONT CALL THE MOVIE CONAN. DONT NAME THE MAIN CHARACTER CONAN.

THAT MAN IS NOT ME!!!!!

I'll admit, the way Conan is born is kind of bad ass, but then they kind of up the ante by making 12 year old Conan kill about 4 demon-like geronimos. That's.... kinda much. I mean, the origin was OKAY..... but then the whole movie started taking itself too seriously with its testosterone filled manliness.

Yes, I have muscles, and I scowl... there for me am MAN.

And I'm not kidding about the "testosterone filled manliness." I mean the formula is pretty basic: He gets a mean look on his face, he does something bad-ass for a short period, says something that tries to sound like "clever" badass, rinse and repeat.

It LITERALLY tried to re-invent itself as the new Conan, and failed.

THEY ONLY MENTION CROM ONCE! ONCE!!!! It wasnt even in saying something awesome, it was just Ron Perlman saying "By Crom boy, what are you waiting for?"

By Crom, not even Ron Perlman's awesome-ness couldn't save this move.

... Thats it. That's as much call back to the original as it gets. As the REAL Conan would say, "To hell with you." No mention of snakes, no creepy cult, no discussion of "what is best in life".

The villains failed to be as awesome as Thulsa Doom. Whoever that actor was, he needs to work on being... memorable. Not type casted...

First the blue cat people, then, THE WORLD

The summary of the villain in the whole movie can be put in his own quote in the film: "I don't like you anymore!"

As for the villain's daughter.. well.. i guess having an evil sorceress made sense... but still.. cheesy..

Don't be fooled, this isn't Christina Ricci being Wednesday Adams... although might as well be...

And the whole weird vibe of... ugh... the sorceress daughter wanting to "be the wife" the the conqueror father kinda... creeped me out.. But I guess incest isnt frowned upon in this universe of Conan.

"Dont worry, people do that in this time"

Look, the reason why the original Conan was good was because it played out as a kind of play, without taking itself too seriously. The cinematography was good, and sure the effects was a bit cheesy and obviously fake, but thats what made it fun! That's what made it as memorable as movies like the first Never Ending Story, Labyrinth, even The freaking Muppets Take Manhattan.

This new "Conan" was just another of a long line of over produced action movies hoping to be the next thing remembered for decades. And... its not.

Hell, I dont even remember the name of the love interest. Only that she's... a pure-blood or something... which made me wish I was re-watching Harry Potter. She was just a pretty love interest with an English accent who liked to charmingly argue and or flirt with the hero.

You, sir, are an arrogant brutish ape... and yet...

Wait... I have seen this character before... The pure spirited love interest... a charm coming from a high class "strong woman" attitude... an accent that has nothing to relate to the setting or time period..

In Conan her name was Tamara now that I googled......

Tamara.... 

TAMINA! YOUR KIDDING! THEY RIPPED OFF THE PRINCESS FROM PRINCE OF PERSIA!

Yes, we've seen this before....

Ugh... They ripped of Prince of Persia, Scorpion King, the freaking sand monsters were from The Mummy, the fights were from some gladiator movie... 

See, you KNOW its hollywood cheese when the writing and movie elements were OBVIOUSLY taken from other movies of the same genre. If it was subtle, its forgivable, but, in ever aspect of my closing statement, this movie lacks any subtlety. 

Cartoon Network - Dumber for the Dumb of Today

Remember when we had cartoons like these?

Almost all these cartoons you see are perfect. Each one had an audience that spanned not only children but adults even in their 20s. Other stuff not pictured, like Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends and, lest we forget, the ever amazing DC Animated Universe titles like Batman the Animated Series, although all were original series by the same channel; each was different enough to cater to all tastes.

And what happened?

Stupidity. Dumbed down media fecal matter. Things to appeal to the dumbed down youth. Also, laziness. Personally, I think it all started with the deaths of William Hanna and Joseph Barbera of the Hanna-Barbera studios. All the great cartoons, yes even the 90s ones and the ones pictured above, came from their studio. As they both died (Hanna in 2001 and Barbera in 2006), their original studio kind of... dissolved. The sect that produces anything involving the old HB toons now belonged to Warner Bros. in 2001, and full control went to Cartoon Network Studios. Instead of producing good content, in my opinion, they went on to sell cartoons like they were coming up with a new colorful label for crappy candy to attract kids. Everything became... stupid. Starting with this *expletive* show:

Oh i remember. I’m not sure if this was the first, but dear God in heaven. I remember. This was the first "new show" that made me say out loud “WHAT THE &*@%??”

And that wasn’t the end of it. Remember Teen Titans? You know the GOOD Super Hero show they had? And I guess also their last?

The show had fun gags, good action, good voice acting, great characters, and good plot writing. The animation was great, and seeing these adaptations of these DC characters was pretty awesome

 

They had RON PERLMAN as Deathstroke? PERFECT! AWESOME! PERFAWESOME

Then this b.s. came out

This show’s premise was so dumb, and seemed like one of big wigs in Cartoon Network had they sci-fi obsessed 8 year old write the premise of it. EVERY character is annoying as ...well you fill in the blank. Also, it tried to cash in on the animation style of Teen Titans, as well as the theme song (maybe the show was made by the same people, after they gave up?) 


So this show suddenly became the ONLY premise for their action based cartoons. And somehow, it worked. SO many kids by their toys.

Which is pretty sad, because I remember when there was ONE toon period I looked forward to. More than the Friday Night Block. I am speaking of course of the broadcast that was responsible for introducing the youth too good animation, anime, and action.

TOONAMI!

Ohhhh so glorious. This might have been the one block of shows every toon watcher looked forward to. From stuff like Samurai Jack, to the best in anime. I mean, if you watched or knew about Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, or Sailor Moon, it was this show that brought it to you. It even showcased stuff that was American made, like Megas XLR. It was the precursor to today’s Adult Swim. But then it ended…. Mostly because it's so expensive to show anime.

(I’ll be doing a separate blog on Toonami later)

Then, more stupidity came. Most television on these days revolves around the stupidity of reality TV. And unfortunately, this is the only bad thing the Canadians have done. Enter the effing Total Drama Island series. 


After they did this other dumb show 6teen, an animated teen sitcom, the creators have made this show too to be more “reality based” too cash in on the interest of reality tv shows on MTV and both toons did well in Canada. Then it started on Cartoon Network (6teen went to Nickelodeon). A show based on a strange love child of Survivor and the Real World.

This scared the crap out of me. Why? Because reality TV has definitely dumbed down the idea of entertainment in America, and now they push it on kids?


It wasn't even poking fun at reality TV like a parody. It PLAYED OUT like reality TV. Each “cast member” had bits in a confession booth. Each character gets “voted off” by the others. God help our youth.

They started doing re-imaginings and re-designs of old Looney Toons and Scoobey-Doo cartoons. To that I say... meh. 


As of today, whenever I actually fool myself into watching the channel, I count only few (horrible) cartoons in it's broadcast...and the rest filled with.... with...… *sniff*....game shows…. And stupid docu-shows like Dude What Would Happen? and Destroy Build Destroy (Andrew W.K., what the hell.)

Seriously. 49% Live-Action Crap, 50% Bad Cartoons, 1% Good Cartoon

 

Before 2008, 100% awesome.

It saddens me. I mean, I just saw a show on there, ProblemSolverz, that looks like this:

WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT CRAP??? IT’S FREAKING DRAWN WITH MICROSOFT PAINT AND ANIMATED WITH THE LOWEST VERSON OF FLASH ANIMATOR! I’ve seen so much better cartoons on Newgrounds.com, done by really talented people. Talented, unemployed, amateur people. I’m not joking; this is what it looks like!

I feel like crying…

BUT – I have hope. For you see… there are steps toward the light.

There was a glorious show (that was just signed for a second season, YAY!).

Young Justice!

Yes, when all else fails, go to the people that get stuff done right (most of the time), Warner Bros Studios, and extend the DC animated universe. This possibly forgives the whole "letting Cartoon Network take control thing." Why? 

Because this method WORKED. The comic book universe provides great, attractive source material to work with and uses a medium that people both young and old would be willing to watch. AND be invested in. And this is using characters they know would already have an audience. 

Also, a new revamp of the show Thunder Cats is here!

Looks amazing, and less like the musical Cats. This looks like more of an Anime version, but we shall see what this results in.

So maybe, just maybe, if we hope, cartoon network can find a good audience again that wasn’t just for preschools and children under 9.

Or, it will just… keep catering to the dumb public.