Conan the Barbarian: Really "Conan the Scorpion King of Persia among 300 with the Mummy""

After viewing Colombiana, a much better film, I decided to try Conan: The Barbarian.


I thought, "Hey, the original was silly in a good way, maybe this remake will also be silly in a good way. Maybe it wont be silly."

That was a HUGE misconception. This film is what I like to call "Hollywood Cheese". This was made to try and look as epic as possible for a trailer, and then added a title to a cult classic to get attention.

THIS is what we were promised... Oh the Glory...

Now I kinda get the whole "re-imagining of the mythology" excuse, but that doesn't fly with me. If you're going to make a Conan movie without it being related to the other Conan movies, then DONT CALL THE MOVIE CONAN. DONT NAME THE MAIN CHARACTER CONAN.

THAT MAN IS NOT ME!!!!!

I'll admit, the way Conan is born is kind of bad ass, but then they kind of up the ante by making 12 year old Conan kill about 4 demon-like geronimos. That's.... kinda much. I mean, the origin was OKAY..... but then the whole movie started taking itself too seriously with its testosterone filled manliness.

Yes, I have muscles, and I scowl... there for me am MAN.

And I'm not kidding about the "testosterone filled manliness." I mean the formula is pretty basic: He gets a mean look on his face, he does something bad-ass for a short period, says something that tries to sound like "clever" badass, rinse and repeat.

It LITERALLY tried to re-invent itself as the new Conan, and failed.

THEY ONLY MENTION CROM ONCE! ONCE!!!! It wasnt even in saying something awesome, it was just Ron Perlman saying "By Crom boy, what are you waiting for?"

By Crom, not even Ron Perlman's awesome-ness couldn't save this move.

... Thats it. That's as much call back to the original as it gets. As the REAL Conan would say, "To hell with you." No mention of snakes, no creepy cult, no discussion of "what is best in life".

The villains failed to be as awesome as Thulsa Doom. Whoever that actor was, he needs to work on being... memorable. Not type casted...

First the blue cat people, then, THE WORLD

The summary of the villain in the whole movie can be put in his own quote in the film: "I don't like you anymore!"

As for the villain's daughter.. well.. i guess having an evil sorceress made sense... but still.. cheesy..

Don't be fooled, this isn't Christina Ricci being Wednesday Adams... although might as well be...

And the whole weird vibe of... ugh... the sorceress daughter wanting to "be the wife" the the conqueror father kinda... creeped me out.. But I guess incest isnt frowned upon in this universe of Conan.

"Dont worry, people do that in this time"

Look, the reason why the original Conan was good was because it played out as a kind of play, without taking itself too seriously. The cinematography was good, and sure the effects was a bit cheesy and obviously fake, but thats what made it fun! That's what made it as memorable as movies like the first Never Ending Story, Labyrinth, even The freaking Muppets Take Manhattan.

This new "Conan" was just another of a long line of over produced action movies hoping to be the next thing remembered for decades. And... its not.

Hell, I dont even remember the name of the love interest. Only that she's... a pure-blood or something... which made me wish I was re-watching Harry Potter. She was just a pretty love interest with an English accent who liked to charmingly argue and or flirt with the hero.

You, sir, are an arrogant brutish ape... and yet...

Wait... I have seen this character before... The pure spirited love interest... a charm coming from a high class "strong woman" attitude... an accent that has nothing to relate to the setting or time period..

In Conan her name was Tamara now that I googled......

Tamara.... 

TAMINA! YOUR KIDDING! THEY RIPPED OFF THE PRINCESS FROM PRINCE OF PERSIA!

Yes, we've seen this before....

Ugh... They ripped of Prince of Persia, Scorpion King, the freaking sand monsters were from The Mummy, the fights were from some gladiator movie... 

See, you KNOW its hollywood cheese when the writing and movie elements were OBVIOUSLY taken from other movies of the same genre. If it was subtle, its forgivable, but, in ever aspect of my closing statement, this movie lacks any subtlety. 

Dark Knight Rises: Bane - Origin and Opinion

In case the people that watched the Dark Knight trailer didn’t know, the chanting near the end,

“BANE,BANE MÁTALO! MÁTALO! BANE,BANE MÁTALO! MÁTALO!”

Means “BANE, BANE KILL HIM! KILL HIM! BANE, BANE KILL HIM! KILL HIM!”

SO! We may expect some huge fight between Bane and Batman, in front of a crowd. This makes sense since in the comics Bane is a luchador. 

To give brief background, Bane was literally raised from practically birth inside the prisons of the fictional country of Santa Prisca, because his father, a revolutionary, fled the courts and escaped. So, it was decreed that his son (Bane) would finish the life sentence for him. 

He  found teachers in the prison that ranged from hardcore killers (he committed his first murder at the age of 8, always concealing a knife in his teddy bear), to an elderly priest that gave him a "classical education" (much like Edmond Dantes did if you ever read/watched The Count of Monte Cristo). 

He was chosen as a test subject for an experimental steroid-like drug called Venom, which he succeeds in surviving. The drug increases his muscle mass and strength of the already strong body builder by at least 10 fold. The drawbacks of the drug were that it had to be fed into his brain, and it was highly addictive, causing massive pain if not recieving dosages every 12 hours. He escapes prison when he hears of the Batman and deduces that he is his only true challenge.

So we can expect him to be……

Okay maybe not that one….

Please God no…. for the love of Crom…

well…. that’s what was SUPPOSED to be him…

But we have…

Not exactly “Luchador”.. but whatever….

This can also mean TWO possible outcomes.

1. Batman of course will win despite the odds being against him, and I do mean pretty big odds…

or 2:

As true to the comics, Bane will break Batman’s Back…

And then of course Batman recovers, and finds a way to beat him, now knowing that he should aim for the Venom tubes, blah blah info already known.

Personally, I do have high hopes for Bane being used as a character for the movie, because I REALLY don’t want the movie to be bad…

The reason why the movies Batman Begins and Dark Knight were so good was because it stayed in the realm of plausibility.

For all we know, there COULD be a society of assassins headed by Liam Neeson in the mountains. And yes, i can believe that a homicidal psychopath can cause havoc while hiding in clown make-up. 


Did John Wayne Gacy’s existence prove nothing?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the first Joker. Before Ceasar Romero and Jack Nicholson…

But when you tell me that Bane was chosen, my mind goes back to Schumacher and… and…..

No….

Noooooo….

NOOOOO NOOO NOOOOOOOO! BAT-CREDIT CARD??? NOOOOOOOOO!

ahem..*shudders*

Look, we know that villains that can increase muscle mass in seconds dont exist. Much like freeze guns. And someone thinking using plastic muscles with bat-nipples was a good idea. 

So, all I am saying is that I hope this movie would make something good with the source material it chooses. Some comic-book fans might hate it. Some might not. But hey, it was good the first time, and AMAZING the second. So why not the third.