Conan the Barbarian: Really "Conan the Scorpion King of Persia among 300 with the Mummy""

After viewing Colombiana, a much better film, I decided to try Conan: The Barbarian.


I thought, "Hey, the original was silly in a good way, maybe this remake will also be silly in a good way. Maybe it wont be silly."

That was a HUGE misconception. This film is what I like to call "Hollywood Cheese". This was made to try and look as epic as possible for a trailer, and then added a title to a cult classic to get attention.

THIS is what we were promised... Oh the Glory...

Now I kinda get the whole "re-imagining of the mythology" excuse, but that doesn't fly with me. If you're going to make a Conan movie without it being related to the other Conan movies, then DONT CALL THE MOVIE CONAN. DONT NAME THE MAIN CHARACTER CONAN.

THAT MAN IS NOT ME!!!!!

I'll admit, the way Conan is born is kind of bad ass, but then they kind of up the ante by making 12 year old Conan kill about 4 demon-like geronimos. That's.... kinda much. I mean, the origin was OKAY..... but then the whole movie started taking itself too seriously with its testosterone filled manliness.

Yes, I have muscles, and I scowl... there for me am MAN.

And I'm not kidding about the "testosterone filled manliness." I mean the formula is pretty basic: He gets a mean look on his face, he does something bad-ass for a short period, says something that tries to sound like "clever" badass, rinse and repeat.

It LITERALLY tried to re-invent itself as the new Conan, and failed.

THEY ONLY MENTION CROM ONCE! ONCE!!!! It wasnt even in saying something awesome, it was just Ron Perlman saying "By Crom boy, what are you waiting for?"

By Crom, not even Ron Perlman's awesome-ness couldn't save this move.

... Thats it. That's as much call back to the original as it gets. As the REAL Conan would say, "To hell with you." No mention of snakes, no creepy cult, no discussion of "what is best in life".

The villains failed to be as awesome as Thulsa Doom. Whoever that actor was, he needs to work on being... memorable. Not type casted...

First the blue cat people, then, THE WORLD

The summary of the villain in the whole movie can be put in his own quote in the film: "I don't like you anymore!"

As for the villain's daughter.. well.. i guess having an evil sorceress made sense... but still.. cheesy..

Don't be fooled, this isn't Christina Ricci being Wednesday Adams... although might as well be...

And the whole weird vibe of... ugh... the sorceress daughter wanting to "be the wife" the the conqueror father kinda... creeped me out.. But I guess incest isnt frowned upon in this universe of Conan.

"Dont worry, people do that in this time"

Look, the reason why the original Conan was good was because it played out as a kind of play, without taking itself too seriously. The cinematography was good, and sure the effects was a bit cheesy and obviously fake, but thats what made it fun! That's what made it as memorable as movies like the first Never Ending Story, Labyrinth, even The freaking Muppets Take Manhattan.

This new "Conan" was just another of a long line of over produced action movies hoping to be the next thing remembered for decades. And... its not.

Hell, I dont even remember the name of the love interest. Only that she's... a pure-blood or something... which made me wish I was re-watching Harry Potter. She was just a pretty love interest with an English accent who liked to charmingly argue and or flirt with the hero.

You, sir, are an arrogant brutish ape... and yet...

Wait... I have seen this character before... The pure spirited love interest... a charm coming from a high class "strong woman" attitude... an accent that has nothing to relate to the setting or time period..

In Conan her name was Tamara now that I googled......

Tamara.... 

TAMINA! YOUR KIDDING! THEY RIPPED OFF THE PRINCESS FROM PRINCE OF PERSIA!

Yes, we've seen this before....

Ugh... They ripped of Prince of Persia, Scorpion King, the freaking sand monsters were from The Mummy, the fights were from some gladiator movie... 

See, you KNOW its hollywood cheese when the writing and movie elements were OBVIOUSLY taken from other movies of the same genre. If it was subtle, its forgivable, but, in ever aspect of my closing statement, this movie lacks any subtlety. 

Toonami... Where are you?

Go back some years ago. The earliest year being 1997. Your home from work, but most likely school. But you dont turn on the tv just yet. No you wait. You wait for that glorious block schedule, usually no later than 4. You get hyped. You recall what happened last time. And then you turn on the tv. You go to the channel your fingers have memorized....

TOONAMI

So what is Toonami? Toonami, in my opinion, started the afternoon block of action packed cartoons.

Especially Anime. Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Sailor Moon (yes I watched some of that too), Gundam Wing...

And dont forget the ones from here at home, Batman the Animated Series, in fact anything Batman, Justice League and Justice League Unlimited, Samurai Jack....

And the great classics that will never go away; Thundercats, He-man, Voltron even the short lived Silver Hawks.

And  even gifts from good ol' Canada eh, REBOOT!

So... what happened? Where did it all go?

It all started with a simple theme intro. And the first host of this cartoon block. Moltar from Space Ghost, in space ship...

And the action commenced on March the 17th, 1997. And our generation was introduced to anime. And the otaku generation was born.

We were fascinated. Compelled. Both by amazing never before seen art and stories that made you constantly think "what? what happens next?" A martial arts master can shoot energy beams from his hands and fly on a cloud. An awkward teen-aged girl can become a superheroine. Both girls and guys were HOOKED.

The american shows hooked an even larger audience. The american shows CN produced brought in a more mature look. These shows dealt with mature and slightly adult stories of intrigue, action, inner conflict, and real life changing decisions in the ongoing battle against good and evil.

Plus, thanks to shows like Batman The Animated Series, it revolutionized the way animated stories are told and made.

And of course they added a perfect dash of nostalgia, with the older showsfrom the 80s and back (my favorite being Thundercats). And this is where the newer generation became fans of the old.

Then in summer of 1999, Toonami was relaunched with a new host Tom. Just in time for the start of the new millenium.

Toonami kept reformatting itself. And it was still loved by many. More anime. More action. They even gave a side story to explain the constant changes to the formats and Tom...

But then... the years went on....

the interes in anime through Cartoon Network started to fade....

And CN was losing money. And gaining rights to air anime on cable is expensive, as well as going through the trouble of dubbing the shows (which doesnt make sense to me personally. I mean, the animation is done, all you do is add new voices, and censor it to a point where its still good but not as good as it should be)

Toonami officially cancelled on March 17, 2008.

The host Tom, voiced by the great voice actor Steve Blum, now reduced to this:

had this to say;

"Well, this is the end, beautiful friends. After more than 11 years, this is Toonami's final broadcast. It's been a lot of fun, and we'd like to thank each and every one of you who made this journey with us. Toonami wouldn't have been anything without you. Hopefully we've left you with some good memories. So, until we meet again, stay gold. Bang."

They had to appeal to a different audience, and quickly. They didnt have time to wait for the newer generation to catch up to the content already made. So they basically pooped out whatever they thought the kids would like.

Unfortunately, this is too easy, because if its new, and the TV says the show is popular, then the younger kids would HAVE to like it. Because this is the first thing they see. And they like the first thing flashy they warp their minds onto.

The Japanese perfected the technique of feeding children what they "enforce" as "the thing that everyone likes". Case in point, most children's anime like pokemon or yu-gi-oh. Its constantly aired on the network to a point where you dont escape it. Then it features someone young with some type of item or pet that gives power. This allows marketing for toys, games, and collectible cards. And of course, you add a lesson to each episode about loyalty, friendship, and laughing at the end, while milking "kid friendly epic-ness"

This technique is the tool of the media moguls to make money off youth. But thats a blog for another time..